Wasting gas seems to be a top priority for many drivers. I am not sure if it’s just apathy, disdain, or an active campaign, but these people sure are cool!
The most recent glorious display of waste that I have seen recently happened yesterday, in fact. I pulled into a shopping parking lot space and there was a car beside me with someone in it texting about something very important I’m sure (maybe something like checking the latest value of their oil company stocks and dreaming about those new rims?).
The beauty was that the car was idling. This happens all the time, I know. This particular idling and texting break was special however. I went in to buy a few things and came back about half an hour later. Lo and behold, the same person was still there and still texting and still idling. What a bold statement of luxury and consumption! I am sure that all passers by were simply beside themselves with envy at this persons commitment to comfort and conspicuous waste.
I am sure that they have heard about rising gas prices, pollution, greenhouse gases, and the war going on in Iraq – yet, they decided to give the middle finger to common sense. What boldness!
Now you’re probably asking; “How can I too stick it to The Man?” “How can I make a more dramatic statement of reckless abandon and slap common sense in the face so that I will be recognized as a renegade, a maverick?” If you are one of those frugal minded sheep, just do the exact opposite (this is a warm nudge and wink to my fellow froogalists).
The Best Ways to Waste Gas
Turn on Your Car and Just sit There
That’s right – IDLE! What luxury. All you need to do is turn on the ignition and sit there (turn the air conditioning on if you really want to stick it to The Man). People will be enraptured by your seeming wealth and disdain for common sense the longer that you just sit there. Why not rev the engine a few times when people walk by for added effect? THAT will send a message.
Jack Rabbit – and DO IT HARD!
All you need to do is wait for a green light and slam the gas pedal down full force so that you can beat everyone to the next red light. You will send the message that you are one who embraces danger and that you are cool. You can look all smug and self-satisfied when I pull up to you a couple of seconds later at the next stoplight. I will probably divert my eyes in awe of your awesomeness.
Use Massive Tires
That’s right, no maverick automobile is complete without enormous tires that are far too big. Puny tires = puny everything (if you get my meaning). Don’t let fellow motorists make that mistake about you! Get big tires. If you are short, just use an inconspicuous stepladder to help you slide in and out of your magnificent disdain-for-others-machine. Make sure they all of your tires are either super-underinflated or super-overinflated – they will know that you embue excess and that you are a person not to be messed with (especially when going over potholes).
Go for the SUPER SIZE
No one likes a puny car. Everyone loves a big machine with a big engine. It will also make you look bigger (unless you are actually inside the vehicle). Don’t ever stand beside your huge love palace on wheels or you’ll actually look smaller. Good gas consumption ratings are for chumps. You want to show everyone that you have money to burn! Get the biggest thing out there and get yourself some very cool (but comfortable) shoes so that everyone can get sick with envy as you take twenty minutes to fill up your gas tank.
You may even consider easing up on the pump handle to make your peacock strut even longer for the envious loser in the puny car waiting behind you. Always remember to take the time to wash your windows (especially if there is a long line). Wash them twice or even three times but always remember, you are the cock of the walk.
If you are a frugal minded and are focused on making sure that you have the money to do the things that you enjoy and really love, just do the exact opposite.
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Author: Jason Milburn Google